I can't stand being human.

Everything we do is tainted by our emotions, limited by our weakness, contaminated by our needs and desires that are our driving force in the first place.

The world is going to the dumps because it's overrun by humans. And even I, a human, can't be bothered to do anything about it.

Instead of focussing all my efforts on something worthwhile like stopping global warming (which obviously isn't going to be stopped in case the world hasn't noticed yet - that's when the end times will come), my stupid human nature is just really freaking pissed off at another human. Damn the way human's troubles spring from humans themselves, and create trouble for other living things as well. Sometimes I wonder why God considers humans more gain than pain. If I were Him, I'd have demolished everything, everything - not just a once-off outpouring of water on the earth - but really destroyed everything and started again.

That's the best evidence that there has to be, that there is some good in everyone. Otherwise why would an almighty God who could amuse Himself with thunder and lightning at the slightest flick of His little finger go through so much trouble and so much pain to redeem broken goods?

But of course no one cares about this, right? We're enjoying our hedonistic way of life, we're happy just killing off ourselves softly, gradually, eventually. We even decry the sad state of the world and we think that's cool. Oh yeah, where is the love? Where is the love, yo mama? All fine and dandy, but what are YOU gonna do about it? No, we wouldn't ever give up our twisted, oxymoronic, ironic bittersweet way of living. We go all philosophic and sigh and shake our heads and utter cliches like "Life is hard" "Life is unfair" "Life is meaningless" "Life, life, life." Then of course the more advanced ones pull their black hoods over their heads, scrawl skulls and chains and bloody roses all over their bodies and go and sulk in the corner. Thus came emo, the modern philosophy!

Or maybe all this is bullcrap and it's just the fact that I'm really, really, really pissed at a few people that's causing this whole outflow of seemingly logical, sad truths. Maybe I'm just being emo myself.

Oh dear. I really hate being human.

Shall I bring it further? Hmm, did I mention that I've got multiple personalities and it's screwing up quite a lot of my carefully planned real-life episodes. I just can't decide whether to be a swashbuckling sam seng, a mysterious maniac, an aloof intellectual, a total swaku, an obscene-minded smouldering individual (keep dreaming, Jaime Liew) or a demure matyr.

The obvious answer, I suppose, would be to do all at one go and coin the Jaime Liew Multi-Personality Phenomena. But then again, like all things Jaime Liew, it's impossibly hard to maintain at all times and will be ignored and left alone after a while.

How?

And all that ranting really hasn't done anything to dispel that chestful of dirty water. And I can't complain, because then I'll feel like a total sulky weakling who can't take on anything at all. But it's been going on for some time - the entire year, in fact, on and off - and well - see I'm making excuses for my pathetic self again. Alright you know what. I'm just going to take the only sure course in this whole screwed up medley of life.

Imma try to be the best Christian possible, and when the day of judgement comes then please Lord, let person X know how much pain and internal struggle she caused me at a time when I really didn't need it. As for person Y, her normal kindness and loveliness cancels everything out I guess. For person Z, I hope I'm not asking too much to just let her know that sometimes her sarcasm really cuts and her unprofessionalism really didn't make my day at all. And for myself, I really need to know how to improve such that I don't affect others the way X, Y and Z's less finer points affect me. And dear Lord, please tell me before my Japan trip so I won't offend anyone on that side of the border. Thanks a gazillion. Without You holding up the earth on Your shoulders, we'd probably be sitting in a pile of platonic rubble now.

I'm dreaming more about my Carribean island even more everyday. It's like I've got a picture of home (to quote Bat) in my head and I just really wanna go home and leave it all behind. And go home with my family, the ones I count as my beloved. Dear Lord, I just really, really, really want to go home.

So for tomorrow, I'm not going to be angry at... her. One resolution at a time. I'm going to let her know that I really love her when she isn't being a total asshole and Imma try and encourage her when she starts again about that workload. And I'm going to try not to shut her out when she goes on about it. And perhaps it'll really work as Jesus said and she'll do unto me what I'm trying to do unto her and maybe we'll actually have a happy ending.

It's worth hoping for.

When that happens I'm going to try and pretend I don't have a body and I only have a soul and everyone can see how blackened it is by my weaknesses and also see whatever pretty parts of it I may have too. Then people will judge me solely by my soul and my body will just be a shell to hold it.

Won't that be nice, too? Not having to worry about what to dress up the body in.

Alright 'mma go bed now.

You take care and have fun, everybody.
Don't think too much. (Nice example there, Jaime Liew T_T)

Ever,
the Darkening Dawn.

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